


i think you broke my heart again

by whyiswritingsohard



Category: Supernatural
Genre: It's just really sad, M/M, Spoilers, because i'm really sad, dealing with grief, i'm hurting but oh boy not as bad as dean, i'm not okay thanks for asking, not a lot to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:40:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27430630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whyiswritingsohard/pseuds/whyiswritingsohard
Summary: The minute he sees Cas he knows he's screwed.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	i think you broke my heart again

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from the song "You Broke My Heart Again" by Teqkoi and Aiko. Big recommend listening to it as you read, ngl 
> 
> major spoilers ahead so don't read unless you've watches episode 18! 
> 
> i'm upset and i'm grieving, leave me be.

The minute he sees Cas he knows he's screwed. His stomach twists, bile burning it's way up his throat, slowly setting flame to the back of his tongue. His eyes close, eyelashes fanning the heat burning on his cheeks. His teeth bite down hard on the inside of his cheek, blood mixing with the sickly taste of the product of his nausea. 

The realization that that's not _his_ Cas, hits him harder than he first expected.

Obviously.

Or perhaps it's the knowledge that _his_ Cas used to actually show up in his dreams. Real, living, breathing Castiel would just pop into his little dream world at the oddest of times. He would always chastise the angel, but, c'mon there was never really any _real_ heat behind it. 

He actually rather enjoyed it in all honesty. Not that he'd tell a single living or dead soul about that little snippet of information. The two usually shared a light conversation over a couple of beers in his dreams, only, of course, after he gave the angel a _strict_ talking too. 

Those days were over though. 

Castiel was dead. Swept away by the Empty. Forced into a dreamless slumber for the rest of eternity. 

Unreachable. 

His chest ached in a way only a hollowed out heart could. All of his love painfully scooped out until he was nothing more than a shell of who he once was. 

Anger. 

Anger blazed through him, hot and fiery, fit for Lucifer himself. His eyes opened on their own accord, fingers digging into his palms trying to soothe some of this boiling rage away.

"Fuck you." He grits out, whole body tensing when he watches dream Cas step closer, head tilting in such a painfully familiar way. 

"Hello to you too, Dean." He gives a small smile, pretty blue eyes crinkling alongside it. 

It's not quite right Dean feels, the urge to vomit increasing tenfold when he realizes his own mind can't conjure up Cas correctly. He's missing something, but he doesn't know what. The tears begin to gather along his lashes, clinging desperately onto them, trying their hardest to stay alive. 

"I want you to leave," he all but growls, god, he doesn't want to look at him anymore, he _can't_ look at him anymore. He's nothing more than his own desperate mind trying to bring any semblance of his best friend back. 

Any semblance of the man he loved, with his whole heart, back. 

Dean always figured he was a bit of a masochist, but this? It's too far, too painful. He's not sure what his subconscious is trying to get at, but he's not having it. 

"I told you to fucking leave!" He roars, stepping closer to Cas, trying to act as intimidating as he possibly can, he's sure the tear that slips from his eye doesn't help his case.

"Oh, Dean," dream Castiel whispers, face falling as he watches Dean struggle to keep his composure. "You don't want that. You need me." He pauses, growing softer, "You miss him."

Dean's breath catches in his throat, lungs collapsing as they fill with the weight of his grief. His voice comes out weak, breathless, "Please, just leave me alone." 

"He loved you, Dean."

It takes everything in him to keep from crumbling right then and there. A fresh batch of tears push out the older, staler ones. 

"Yeah, and look what that got you." He pauses, phantom pains ripple through his chest, almost as if his heart were ripping in two. But that's impossible though, the Empty took that along with Cas. He let's out a hollow laugh, "My bad, look where that got him."

"He wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

"Kinda hard not too." 

"Dean."

He cuts him off, "Look, why are you even here? What do you want from me?"

"You tell me, Dean."

"What?"

"Dean, I'm here because you wanted, no, needed, to see me. Him. Why is that?"

"Beats the hell out of me man."

"Dean-" 

"Why can't I wake up?" Dean grits out, jaw clenching so tightly a dull throb starts to work it's way up into the temples of his head.

Dream Cas, takes a step closer, than another, up until he's just a little less than arm's length away. He let's his hand drift towards Dean, hand resting comfortably against his left shoulder, burning him painfully in the process. 

Something horrible breaks inside of him at the mere touch, legs trembling until they can no longer support his weight. He drops to his knees, tears bluring his vision beyond repair, his trembling breaths louder than thunder in the violent silence of the room. Every fiber of him is being unweaved, taken apart until every nerve endings is raw and frayed. It's terrible and terrific all in the same shuddering gasp of breath.

All the pent up mind numbing grief, the damning despair, and the overwhelming _guilt_ pouring from him, waterfalls cascading down freckled cheeks. It's been weeks since Sam and him have saved the day, yet again, but he still refuses to give himself time to grieve. The fear of being swallowed up by it to damn concerning. 

His hands latch onto Castiel, fingers digging dangerously into the angels slacks, knuckles protesting loudly against the too tight grasp. 

"I didn't get to say it back." He chokes, throat closing around each poisonous word. "He never got to hear me say it." The sobs that wrack his body are almost painful, the force of them nearly toppling him over. He let's his body fall forward, falling against the angel's ever present strength. 

Warm fingers card through his hair, nails gently, soothingly scratching against his scalp. "Please, god, please," he _wails_ , forehead pressing against Castiel's lower stomach, tears staining his crisp white shirt. 

"Let him hear me. Castiel, please, I love you, I love you, I-" he chokes body slipping forward more as dream Cas falls to meet him. Dean's head falling onto the angel's shoulder.

There's a soft press of lips to the top of his head, a quiet shushing tumbling from Castiel's chapped lips as he pulls back, far enough to cup Dean's cheek. Dean shakes against the touch, body trembling in time with his desperate, agonized cries. The warmth radiating off of his hand silence's Dean for just a moment, tears still constant but his heart wrenching sobs tapering off as he leans into the warmth and softness of the gentle touch.

"You didn't have to say it back."

"But-"

"He knew Dean, he knew."

Dean let's his weary eyes fall onto the mirage of his angel, "You don't know that."

The smile he gets in return is blinding, but _wrong_. "Do you have that little faith in him?" 

"He deserved to hear it back. He needed to hear it back, and I-"

"You did your best, you needed time to process his words."

Dean can't help but to let out a pitiful chuckle, fingers reaching up to play with the angel's blue tie, "He'll never get to hear me say it." The grief slams back into him, tenfold this time, "he's gone for good. I'll never get to see him again." 

He watches the way Cas looks at him, face calm and composed, but something in the way the angel's blue eyes shimmer give him away. 

Dean's own version of Cas is grieving this loss. 

"I don't want to wake up." He whispers voice raw and emotional, "Let me slip away into the Empty with him."

"I love you, Dean," and just like before, Dean never gets the chance to say it back to him, his alarm startling him awake just as his mouth starts to form the words. 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think. haha, i'm still fucking heartbroken over that scene so this was born!


End file.
